As the leaves start falling from the trees and nights draw in, we start to think about the deed we put off through those heady summer days of glorious excess.
Yes, it’s tax return time.
But testament that this can be anything but dull and boring is Blean-based accountant Paul Brown.
“I used to act for a porn star who has appeared in many high quality videos,’’ Paul confesses.
“It was deemed wholly necessary and exclusively for the purpose of her business that her bust size be increased from a 34B to 34 DD, to attract more work of course.
“Many Ann Summers receipts for clothing and ‘equipment’ were also deemed allowable. Again as wholly necessary and exclusively for the purpose of her business, condoms were purchased almost by the lorry load and you could have floated a liner on the amount of lubricant bought.
“Her income was most impressive and the expensive car that she ran was also regarded as being in keeping with her status.
“She was very grateful for my services and offered to pay in kind! Being the gentleman that I am, I graciously declined, preferring cash or cheques to keep my assets intact from my beloved wife!”
Not all clients are quite as colourful, admits Paul.
“Many do not understand that if you earn money – any money – you have to pay tax on it – yes, including tips, all you taxi drivers.
“Many believe that any expense is a business expense – children’s toys, tickets to a football match, a new iPod – not really allowable if you are a bricklayer.
“Many rely on the carrier-bag approach to book keeping. Every receipt goes into a carrier bag, which then gets dropped off to me. As this is usually a good year after the end of their financial year, multiple years’ receipts are included – it makes for interesting times.
“Incomplete records are exactly that, but if you had all the information it would be just too easy. Detective work is undergone daily to determine how they banked more money than was invoiced and how come their cash purchases were so high when no cash was withdrawn from the bank.”
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October is also conference season, with the 2nd Digital in Kent Conference coming to Folkestone on Oct. 3. Experts from the world of e-marketing will keep you bang up to date with the latest trends, views and practical tips. The event runs from 9:15am to 5:15pm at the Quarterhouse, Folkestone. Entry at £37 + VAT includes free homemade pizza and beer sponsored by Sleeping Giant Media.